Da End (maybe??)

Well, I am beyond the date I had plans for!! "What are you doing after the retreat center?" was the question I got asked over the summer. "My life plans end on Sept 2," was the answer. And here we are, Sept 3!

On Aug 26th, my buddy Jen, who I've known for around 20 years, met me at Waterloo Station and we jumped on the Eurostar to Paris to attend our friend Laura's wedding in Paris. Our hotel room got named "the infirmary" as Jen was swigging back kaolin and morphine following food poisining from her summer travels and an hour after I delivered my wedding speech, i lost my voice and was Ms. Voiceless for the rest of the fabulous celebrations. Amazing fireworks at midnight, a mountain of profiteroles in the shape of the arc de triomphe and blue, blue sky.

Then yesterday was the event that officially closed my summer - my brother and Suze's engagement party in the back garden with about 90 people! The clouds were kind to us and did not drop water and I never want to see a cream cake again!! It was strange to see my brother's primary and high school friends with their broods of little ones.

I've been temping since Weds and my suitcases are all officially unpacked. My feet are itchy. This is the longest period of time I've been home (chez parents) since early 2003!

I feel rested and ready for the next adventure - the next chapter. To where? And with whom??? Time to start planning samz autumn.

Thanks for reading my blog and keeping up with me over my summer trails!

I am totally open to hearing about cool projects/ organisations/ experiences overseas to immerse myself in - especially in the U S of A.

Lots of love to everyone out there !!!!

Blast!!!

Yesterday, I ended up riding in a convertible down beautiful country roads - whey!hey! - to do a thrift store run with 3 others who are going to Burning Man (a week long "happening" in the Nevada desert where people - apparently - wear garish clothes!!!) We hit three thrift stores in 3 hours and I got some great things - four items for 7 pounds. The two guys had me laughing like crazy as they bought loads of women's clothing for a camp/ crazy/ clubby look - there's something about hairy chests and stretchy lycra pink tops that is so outrageous! They purchased the craziest things - a tea cosy for a hat - fur coats (for chilly desert nights) and were equally delighted with their bargains. The assistants in the charity stores also got a great kick out of these two straight, normal looking guys trying on these FAB-u-LOUS girly outfits!!

update!

I have a minor case of the summer sniffles - first cold I've had in eons and it appears to be a light one. My room-mate (also a massage therapist) woke up the other morning and asked how I'd feel about doing her 2-hour golf cart shift in exchange for a full-body massage. It was an absolute "yes'! And at 10am after we waved the last of the seniors off, I had the most gorgeous massage in an outdoor gazebo right next to the lake - it was like something out of an advert for a ritzy health farm!!
I've spent the last hour or two napping in the sunshine and feel superb (despite lots of scrunched up tissues being in my bag, my pockets, my sleeves!)
The building is now senior free and the furniture is being shuffled around as we return to spiritual retreat ctr status for tomorrow and the arrival of 120 guests who are coming to immerse themselves in an array of things ranging from environmentalism to shamanic healing to chant-leading to davenning to priestess training. So, it feels like my curriculum on seniors and ageing is coming to a stop for now and there are new subjects to learn in the university of life.
We had a round table discussion with our seniors (mostly in their 80s and 90s!) on "being a survivor". There were a lot of Holocaust survivors here, as well as people who had survived other things such as loss of a spouse, serious illness and so forth. Here is some of their life wisdom on dealing with adversity.
"Be curious and always look ahead. If you want a survivor outlook, don't look back!"
"There's no power in saying 'I'm unlucky' - just say it happened"
"Stay open to trust, eve if it hurt once to be open"
The seniors in this last trip had a great spirit and were a joy to work with - they were also incredibly well and healthy - many of them appeared 20-30 years younger than they really were. It seems that most of them swear by walking lots and swimming everyday, when i asked them what their secret is!!
Can't remember if I mentioned it, but I bought in on a co-owned staff car - which means that for $50 per month I get to share it with 4 others - wish I'd known about this possibility earlier!!! I am so loving the freedom it brings and the chance to explore!!!!

Inspired by exercise!

On Fri morning I had a treat! A 90 min exercise session led by Ari, who is the director of the centre. In his past life (ie - up until a year ago) he had his own personal training business. My co-worker told me that Ari would never say this to us (as he's too modest) but he was trainer to Jennifer Lopez and other A-List celebs. So, what a privilege to have him teach us !! I believe various mags also voted him as trainer of the year etc. It was, of course, a five star class!

Yesterday, I went to Jacob's Pillow, which is a dance centre - they had a community day with all sorts of great free performances - my fave was going into the dance school and observing the class doing their morning warm up. It was like a scene from The Kids From Fame. It sure made me want to move my body!!

Since waking up at 6.30am, I've been thinking exercise, exercise, exercise - so I'm about to head off on a long walk!! I joined the old ladies for 15 mins doing chair exercises, but that didn't do it for me!!

Last week, a somatic educator came in and gave a class which was also fascinating. Her tip for aging gracefully and healthily was "keep moving!"

So, movement and exercising is a definite theme right now!! I need something to balance 34 sedentary hours coming up this week of sitting in a golf cart!

Once we switch back into retreat ctr mode, next week, there will be two yoga classes per day. I hope I like the teacher!!! We also have a visiting teacher coming this week (Jodi) who is a dancer and yoga teacher and I'm totally looking forward to her class tmw!!

Angry

There are some advantages to being in the woods, 3,000 miles or so away from my home city. I had an e-mail last week that reminded me of an incident I'd conveniently forgotten - a really bad experience with the film crew from a TV talk show. the e-mail said that the footage was being aired this week. Big, fat, sinking feeling. Relief at being far away. Forever the optimist, hoping it wasn't going to be as awful as I anticipated. Call home to parents today. They didn't see it either. Apparently, their friends did and two of them were so disgusted they walked out of the room. I hate to think what the editing process did and what the angle/ narration was. I feel bad for the other people on film who were exploited (most probably) and ridiculed by the camera.
Lessons learnt - no longer trust the integrity of journalists. This upsets me having been a media person myself.
Lesson two: do not let the media interfere with my life. I think I was too media-friendly previously and too helpful - I actually arranged my schedule around journos/ film crews who wanted to come.
Lesson three: do not be hypnotised by the glamour of celebrity or media. There were more letdowns than moments of "yay!!" with media promises.
Lesson four: remember the good! Do not let this idiot TV show dissuade me from pursuing things in life which I know to be good and true. Carry on protecting myself and my guests. refuse to be a media circus. It's all good life experience. How many people can say that they have appeared on a trashy TV show in their life and come away feeling more strongly than ever that human dignity is something to be honoured and preserved? End of rant. PS - as my mother likes to dramatise stories - it may not be quite as awful as I'm hearing.

Persistence

There are two ladies here I take my hat off to. Interestingly, they are both 90, both hard of hearing and both very stubborn! The senior camp here has been sold out for ages with a huge waiting list. These two ladies both did not want to go home after their two week session ended. They enquired about lengthening their stay, got a "no" and would not take no for an answer!! They told everyone they saw every day about how much they wanted to stay. One lady even paid me for next week's massage as she was so determined she was going to be here. And, guess what, both of them are able to stay on despite the humungous waiting lists. Proof of the pudding that when there is a will there is a way!! I loved seeing their determination in action and am so delighted for them both.
I got a cute e-mail animation some months back (I think from Shlomit) about a bunch of frogs that wanted to climb to the top of the mountain - everyone said that frogs couldn't climb so high. One by one the frogs indeed got tired and toppled off. But, there was one hardy frog that hopped all the way to the top. WHat made this frog different from the others? Turned out, he was deaf so immune to the voices of "no" around him. I wonder if these two ladies' lack of hearing proved an asset as their inner voice of "I want this!" was more audible to them than the voices of no-can-do around them.

Camp Kvetch

This bunch of campers are hard work. There are almost 100 of them and as a group they are very high maintenance - there are people being hospitalised left, right and centre - there are many people with mobility issues who are very dependant on us for lots of little things (which would be well and good if there were enough staff) and I get a negative energy from the group. Complaining seems to be a hobby for some of them! One guy asked me how an inter-generational activity went - I told him how nice it was. His response was "Pah - that's not a real activity if it was harmonious." He then proceeded to tell me that the chef should not make public appearances in the kitchen because she is a) overweight and b) a lesbian. At that point, I found him too offensive to be around and disappeared. I've had 3 campers being verbally abusive to me - 2 of them had the decency to apologise afterwards.
I wonder whether the dynamics between group 1 and group 2 of seniors is so different because that's just who they are - or whether people are feeling lost among the larger numbers and that is bringing out the antagonistic sides to their nature. Tomorrow night the director is hosting a "how is it going?" night for the staff. I sense there will be some burnt out and angry people there. Venting a little in this e-mail has softened my edges.

Boston

Took advantage of a 24 hour overnight trip to Boston - thanks to someone who was driving that way! I had a few hours upon arrival before meeting my friend who lives there. Spent two of them awestruck in Barnes and Noble, then sat down on a bench to eat a burrito. I realised it was the first time in close to two months that I could sit down and have total privacy and anonymity. I then got really tearful - I'm not sure whether it was the overwhelm of being in a city or decompressing from many intense weeks spent in the woods. I think probably the latter, as it felt good to be in Boston. I've been living in a pressure cooker these past weeks and with the lid off, something had to give.

It was fab reconnecting with my friend Julie and her mum and sis (who I last saw 5 years ago!!) No one appears to have aged or changed, except Julie's little sis is now married and Julie is in a bigger apartment than last time. A five year gap felt like 5 weeks!

I had my first experience since May 27 of being in a real home, having a clean bathroom, a double bed, a room to myself and zillions of shops to walk to. Yes, it felt fabulous!!!! Part of me must be a city girl after all!

Fashion Accessories

My $6 pink sunhat from Walmart gets several coos of appreciation per hour at camp. Things that would be a fashion faux pas in London, go down very well here. I went into someone's kitchen to wax my legs today and got asked whether I ever went "au naturel" - well only between waxes when I hide my legs under trousers and socks. My conditioning is that body hair on legs and armpits is somehow "ugly" or "butch". Here, on the border of Western Massachusetts and Connecticut it seems like most of the women, regardless of sexuality, are sporting fluffy armpits. I can think of at least 5 women volunteers whose legs are manlike they are so hairy. I'm getting used to the armpits, but the legs ... hmm... fashion and conditioning are interesting things - as after all, we were designed to have body fluff.
"Walkers" (or zimmer frames as we call 'em back home) are the fashion accessories of the seniors! A bright blue model with an attached shopping basket appears to be the most popular one! When (and if!) your time comes, I suggest going for one that's light, easily foldable and the right height. Some of the ladies have floral covered walking sticks! Yes, there is even fashion to be had in disability.

Appreciation

A client today said "I love you." I'm so happy that a 90 year-old was able to feel that kind of deep peace and expansiveness and acceptance in her own skin.

my day ...

With double the people here of last week (and many of them being needy and high maintenance - plus the fact we're still in the settling in phase and having a heatwave) work is intense and non-stop. Every bit of free time I have feels deliciously precious.

On the whole, a nice day! A class in the morning from 8.30-10am for my volunteer group on spiritual practices in our lives (why do them - what works for us - what challenges us etc) then I had free time!! I hung out in the arts and crafts building - which I love. Losing myself in art is always very nurturing (and probably one of my anchors that keeps me sane around the insanity!). I'm enjoying "playing" at being an old lady. I've taken to doing tapestries with them and boy these ladies know how to sew!!! My younger eyes make me a prime candidate for needle threading assistance! I got to read a few more pages of Deepak Chopra's book on ageing in air-conditioning before 6.5 crazy, non-stop work hours. Then, this evening, I did a massage trade and am still feeling good from being slathered in lavender oil!!! No more work til 11am tmw - ya-hoo-ey !!!

Now time to head on home and natter with the room-mates.

Birdshit

Birds nests are beautiful things! Ma and pa swallow have set up home above the door to our room. There are 5 baby birds to ooh and aah at and there is a lot of birdshit. I've never seen birdshit with a 3-dimensional quality before - but this birdshit is puffy and piles up and gives the same effect as wax dribbling down a candle holder. It's cascading over the woodwork and everytime i walk home I get a sense of "yuk" - Once the young'uns have flown the nest, there will be some serious birdshit clean up to do!

Goodbye seniors!

At 9am this morning, we waved off the seniors who've been with us these past two weeks. I felt quite tearful as it's an unknown whether I'll be here again next summer or they. Tomorrow, we'll be filled to capacity with new folks for the next 4 weeks. So, on a hot 90f day, I'm enjoying a free afternoon before the craziness starts again!

The flip side of ageing

Through massaging I'm seeing the flip-side of ageing. As clothes and shoes come off, I'm seeing crusty, sun-induced growths on backs (message to all: cover up!), arthritic feet that are so deformed they look like gnarly sculptures; incontinence pads and bowels that eliminate through bags.

I saw one lady struggle with tears when she was trying to tell me it's not fun being 90. She'd had a stroke and wears a hearing aid and has poor vision. The message that I felt very strongly she was trying to tell me is that this is not who she used to be. She's a prisoner in a body that doesn't co-operate for her.

I've picked up Deepak Chopra's book on ageing from the library here - to see what he thinks we can do to age gracefully and healthily.

I'm sure I've said this before and I'll say it again - look after your body, enjoy your body! Don't take the fact that it works, forgranted!

Great first day of senior massage!

The massage went great yesterday! Everyone wanted a repeat appointment and for every person who got an appointment this week, there's one on the waiting list incase of cancellations. I think for anyone wanting to set up a business it helps a lot to be part of a community and to have a ready-made clientele on your doorstep. This is all such a breeze compared to doing it in London, where I was just another anonymous person peddling my wares.

As with all things in life, balance is important. It's tempting to take everyone who wants an appointment, but the price would be burn out at my end - so i know I'll be constantly shifting to get the balance between my massage practice - my 35 hour work week here - my classes here and all-important downtime just right.

Two people now in the volunteer group have Lyme's Disease - yikes! That's 10 percent of us and we're only 6 weeks into our time here. Gotta rush to class now !!!!!

Business is humming!

Life here continues to be one big comedy show! I went to bed, my sides splitting from laughter from the funny tales my room-mate had to relate of her day of taking the seniors on a shopping expedition. Today she's hosting an inter-generational discussion on secrets for a long and happy marriage. there are some couples here who've been married for over 60 years, so I think it's going to be a great session!! The deal is that they can ask as young 'uns questions, too!

Had the experience yesterday of launching a commercial venture in 24 hours! I got the green light (after much bureaucracy and impatient waiting on my part) to give the seniors massages. So (and am feeling most proud of this) in one day I created all the written documents I needed (intake form, confirmation slips etc), set up a massage space and (the best bit!) sold out all my slots for this week!!! It's a great situation both ways - the prices are reasonable, so folks can afford, and on my side it's great extra pocket money.

Alas, I am totally wiped out this morning (time of month thing), so am gonna have to summon my energy to rise up in preparation for todays treatments! I know that all my massage angels (teachers, practitioners, massage friends) will be in the beige yurt (my massage space) with me in spirit and that the energy will come from somewhere!!!

I had a really sweet discussion with one of the seniors last night who said that he felt his two weeks here had been a "rebirth". I think seniors should live their lives on a day to day basis in a place like this, not just for 2 weeks per year!

Humility

A few weeks ago when we were going round in a circle, expressing what we are grateful for, one of the organic farmers here said "a strong body. I know I'm not always going to have it." Shuttling people around in the golf cart, I realise that every day we are able to dance, walk and move freely in our bodies is a delicious gift. One lady here, who uses a walking device was once a champion tennis player. Another gentleman, who walks with a stick with great difficulty told me he used to walk 5 miles every day. With this thought in mind, I've already done an early morning walk around the lake and am going to walk now into Falls Village and do some yoga before my shift starts at 1pm.

It was my day off yesterday. Went art gallery hopping in Great Barrington (a town about 30 mins away). The lady who drove me there is a professional artist, so it was interesting to hear her critique of what we saw!! Last night, we had a Hawaiian party for the staff which was lots of fun (despite the fact it rained like crazy!) The 21-year-old who put it together pulled out all the stops - hay on the floor - multi-coloured pineapple decor, bubbles to blow, sparklers, punch, tropical fruit to eat on skewers, a hammock and free fun gifts for everyone. I told her she has a future ahead of her (if she wishes!) as an events organiser.

Still loving senior camp!

Still loving senior camp - it's been one of my fave weeks so far and driving the golf cart is really exhilerating - I feel like the neighbourhood cabbie/ bus driver and the passengers are so gracious and grateful. Never thought I'd find such job satisfaction behind a steering wheel!
One lady today told me the sweetest story of how she met her 2nd husband. Basically her husband of 40-ish years had died and her son put an ad in the personal section of the local paper saying he was advertising on behalf of his mom (who'd more than kill him if she knew he was doing this!) He came round one day with a stack of letters from the respondees. And yes, she almost did kill him!!! Eventually, she had a look at the letters and was particularly taken by one. And that guy is her husband now of 8 years and they are at camp together and totally devoted. How cute is that!!!! Shows that as long as our hearts are beating, we can always be open to love and newness in our lives.
Speaking of which, Tom is meant to be coming out for the July 4 weekend, but now may not be as air prices are horrible. The best flight deal we've found so far is $880, which is a bit nuts for three days. Of course, I'm totally wanting to see him, but I will try and adopt Zen like detachment as it may not happen!!
I just had to drop some stuff off in the room of a really sweet guy here - and he had about 20 pill boxes lined up on his dressing table : ( poor thing!!
I really do adore all these people here, who just seem so happy to be alive and have such gracious attitudes. They are definitely all teachers for me and I love their company, too!!!! It really is a treat to hang out with 80-somethings on vacation!

The old folks have arrived and they are so cute!!! It seems that mid-80s is the average age : ) Have just sat in on an arts and crafts class with them - I have 25 mins now to myself - oh joy!!! And then I'm on duty til 11 tonight - mainly trundling around the site in a golf cart to give people rides from building to building (dial a ride style!) I feel like I'm on duty even when I'm off duty as people are likely to fall over, have questions, need assistance etc all the time - so unless i go into hiding, i have a responsibility to those around me. Very different from normal situations, where you say "I'm off now, but so and so will help you." One volunteer had to sleep in a guest's room last night to make sure she didn't run away (an oldie who i guess was here against her will!) I love the spirits and sweetness of alot of the guests I've encountered !

Giving Frustrations A Voice

In our weekly "how are you doing meeting" I mentioned two frustrations. One: that I didn't have a peer group of my age and 2) that without a car it's tough getting out of here which does not suit my explorer mentality.

Sometimes, by voicing frustrations, they get better! This was the case. The very next morning, I met the dad of one of the staff members who was visiting for a few days. he had his own van and loved exploring - so I've had a couple of excursions with my new trip buddy - discovering the quaint New England on my doorstep!

The age issue (the bulk of folks here are in college or very recently out of it - so I'm about 10-15yrs older than most) made me do a lot of thinking about my early 20s and how I was then and all the rich things that have come my way since! The 20s and 30s are definitely different - but in a good way for me!! More settled, more mellow, more inwardly peaceful, more sure of what I am and what I'm not, more experiences under my belt.

I don't feel "old" in comparison to the others - just at a different life stage. And since voicing this niggle, it's been less of an issue for me!!!

Conclusion: frustrations we carry within us and don't voice will colour our world in a sour way. Express them constructively and that allows the space for new magic to flow in ...

i survived silent week

The question I had in mind was silent retreat vs: laryngitis - any difference? Well, a silent retreat is far more pleasant! No ill symptoms, everyone else is as non-communicative as you (so no sense of missing out) and you know your voice is there should you want it! There was something familiar about the cosy blanket of silence and for the first few days I was loving it. It felt like a vacation and I was enjoying the peace and me-time. I felt very joyous and expansive. As my one team-mate (who is doing a degree in contemplative studies) said: the goal of meditation is to show you that everythign you need for your joy is within you and that you can not rely on externals for your happiness. Sounds good and matches my beliefs! However, sitting still for more than 20 mins on a cushion is not my style. I've come to the conclusion that I need to involve my body to drop down into deep inner peace. There was a great yoga class every afternoon which made me soooo happy!
By Sat am, I felt ready to re-enter the world. On the whole, it was a good experience and a nice way to "hang out" with myself (something I realised I'd not done much of these past 8 weeks).
This week, we have another silent retreat going on as well as a yoga teacher training course, so half the campus is in silence - this feels like a nice way to be - so i can dip into both silence and sociability!!
It's been intensely hot today and I'm ready to flake!
Other cool happenings: saw a giant porcupine yesterday (i thought it was a bear cub initially because of its size) - had a really beautiful, soulful rosh chodesh gathering (this is a women's only event to welcome in the new moon and the new month). The lady leading it (who is also my manager) is great and created such a beautiful space for us all both physically (with candles etc) and emotionally (everyone is eagerly awaiting next month!!)
It's been over a month now since I left the UK. On my silent wak to the rosh chodesh gathering, I was going over all the newness that this past month has brought me - and what a rich month it's been.
Love to you from the semi-silent zone.
Sam xox

Descent Into Silence

I feel like a naughty kid as I've sneaked into the "out of bounds" computer booth to write to you all! The silent retreat guests are registering now (they're allowed to talk until dinner) and I've just come off a mammoth shift which started at 4pm on Fri and has been non-stop ever since!!! Am overjoyed that I can finally do my laundry and some clandestine blog updating!

Alas, the computer booth is in the meditation hall (or the room that is being transformed into the meditation hall), so I am likely to be a silent blogger until the June 17 and will be incommunicado. To everyone who's e-mailed me, it's unlikely I'll be able to acknowledge your message until the silence is over : ( My guess is that with all the silence around me, I'll be bursting with things to write!!

One of the departing guests, gave me a beautiful handmade gift today as a thank you (a glass paperweight). Very touched!! I'm really enjoying interacting with the guests and creating a nice space for them. Better sneak out now!!! Lots of love to everyone until i'm next back in cyber land xxxxxxx

Roaring Metropolis

I took a walk to the nearest place where people dwell outside the doors of the retreat center. It's a 30 min walk down a grassy, flower-lined lane where the insects hover and the occasional bored dog will bark and run after you. And then you arrive in Falls Village. Established, as the welcome sign says, in seventeen hundred and something or other.

It's a sleepy place with white wooden houses, grassy lawns, dark wooden rocking chairs on porches and as far as I can tell only four things that aren't houses. There is a post office (which closes for lunch every day), a funky breakfast and lunch cafe (which is only open 4 days a week), a library which was closed today and Shelley's hair salon.

I'm excited to go back one morning when I'm free and hang out at the cafe to soak up more local colour.

I'm on duty all weekend - so this felt like my last gulp of fresh air and freedom until Sun afternoon. Being on duty all weekend also means dealing with folks who have weird requests in the middle of the night. Hopefully there won't be too many of them as my morning shifts begin at 6-7am-ish and I like my sleep!

Mind Blowing

This week's classes have been mind blowing and I was in neither of them by choice!!! I was planning to take classes with a health and wellness thrust - but the leader of two of the classes tragically died last week, so his offerings were cancelled.

Instead, I found myself on the theology/ spirituality track and my mind was stretched in 101 new directions!

Here is the thrust of what I learnt, if the name G*d doesn't do it for you, find a name that does! If the idea of male, hierarchical G*d language doesn't do it for you, go for female, universal language (in Hebrew ruach and shehina are good substitutes). There are five different ways of perceiving G*d (each indicating a different level of our own psychological evolution).

1 -Zoomorphic - G*d as animal shapes (this idea came from ancient Egypt)
2 - Anthropomorphic - G*d as a human - "in the hands of G*d", "king", "lord", "with an outstretched arm"
3 - Deistic - scary G*d with a big ego who can bestow either punishment or reward, vengeful and unchanging

(Sadly, I only got taught up to level 3 as a kid - which didn't make the concept of G*d a very enticing one)

4 - Theistic - this idea is big in Kabbalah - that the essential nature of things is G*d and that G*d's holy sparks are everywhere and that the world is filled with vessels (us included) which can be filled with light

5 - Panentheism (non-dualism) - this appears to be the new theology and the one that is expanding my head. G*d is essentially everything - light and shadow and there is no separation between human and G*d as they are the same thing - so many notions familiar in Western culture such as praying to G*d, trying to get closer to G*d, talking to G*d are irrelevant with this new theology.

I feel that I've gone from junior school to grad school in the space of 5 days! Many of my fellow classmates have degrees in comparative religion - or have practised religions on a very deep level - so, the level of discussion blows my mind.

There is a lot of discussion as well about how changing consciousness can change the planet and I have a new favourite word. Noosphere. This is the consciousness envelope of the planet. Every time you have a thought that no one has ever had before, it goes into this cosmic envelope and this makes it easier for the next person to access this thought and the next ...

There has been so much homework to go with this - all of the self development kind - writing letters to G*d, seeing what associations the words G*d and spiritual bring up for us and seeing where they come from, seeing how our relationship with adult figures as a child effected views of G*d etc, etc.

I'm sure my mind will be blown and stretched in many more directions tomorrow! For now, it's homework time!

24 hours!

A lot can happen in 24 hours! The police and ambulance came to remove a staff member who sadly had some kind of nervous breakdown - I was called on at midnight (ish) to tweezer out a tic (nasty insect/ leech thing) from a fellow volunteer's crotch, I've bumped into two faces from the past and have just received a homework assignment for tomorrow. Tell a parable which relates the story of the evolution of my soul only using images from the natural world. Gosh! I'd like at least a few days to mull that one over - but as you may have gathered, intensity is the name of the game here!!

nature

On my 7.30am walk from bedroom to this computer I passed a bunny munching a pink flower, a chipmunk scurrying across the path and mom and pop goose with their six fluffy offspring breakfasting on grass. All this to an accompaniment of birdsong and SUNSHINE !!

rainin', rainin', rainin'

On Sat, I saw a thermometer and it said 91f. It had been hot and sticky all week and I thought hmm.. if this is how late May/ early June feels, what will it be like by Aug? A local told me that this was highly unusual weather and only 8 days a year get so hot. His words proved true as while I was standing his store chatting, the rains began and it has rained, rained, rained ever since. This morning all the storming provided a power outtage - so it was peeing by candlelight and cold cereal for breakfast! Now it's damp and chilly, but the cosy glow of electricity is back!!! I'm surprised that there is still water in the sky.

I may have failed to mention there is a beautiful lake here - in the early morning the mist rolls over it and with tree covered craggy peaks ringing it, I feel I've landed somewhere sub-tropical and mysterious.

We took a 40 min hike (all uphill!) last week and ended up at a beautiful lookout point where we were as high as the hawks who were circling us.

Next week - people are coming for a silent retreat and as staff, the invitation is to participate too - and if we want to talk - the only place we can do so is in our rooms. The guy leading the retreat spoke to us this morning and has really nice energy. Apparently, when a bunch of 30 or 50 people are doing silence together for long periods, two things can happen. 1 - People fall in love with other people in the room and build up magnificent fantasies about them, without ever having a conversation - the ultimate crush! 2 - people get super narky and write the retreat manager complaint letters about everything from "person X needs to comb their hair in a different style" to "my napkin wasn't properly folded" to "person Y put their fork down too loudly and that irritated me."

I'm wondering how it will differ from having laryngitis for 5 days! Probbaly more fun than laryngitis cos at least everyone else is in the same silent bubble as you !

Picking up!

The sun is shining, the bugs are benign, I smelt a gorgeous orange flower today, saw a snake and ate goo-ey chocolate brownies. In short life here at the Isabella freedman Ctr is good. Things are looking up!! I think a good night's sleep, getting into my work role and some fun get-into-your-body sessions have all helped. Of course, the passing of time also helps readjustment and I feel I'm beginning to land!
Btw, if I've not already directed you to it, go to www.isabellafreedman.org and click on the "watch our movie" bit (on the bottom right of the web page). It will give you a great intro to where I am and the ethos of the center. In short, it's all about heart-centred spirituality, creating a better world, environmentalism, conscious living and looking after the elderly in a multi-generational contect. This week, the programmes are all for silver-haired folk. I love watching the old couples toddle around hand in hand - they are so cute!!! Yesterday, I was chatting to an 83 year-old couple who've known each other since they were 6. They were both married to other people - had long, happy marriages - became widowed and refound each other. How cute is that !!!!!

May madness

As May is drawing to an end, I realise what a rich and crazy month it's been. I got a J1 visa, gave notice on my job of four years, moved out of my flat, sold or gave away many possessions, had some really meaningful goodbye interactions with my old neighbours who helped me tremendously during the move. I must, MUST, M U S T send them a postcard to touch base!!!

On May 17, I left. My mom - who has never cried before at a departure - had tears streaming down her cheeks as she dropped me off at the station and that image had me tearful for most of the tube journey and flight.

I looked around LAX - no Tom in the arrival hall. He said he may get lost, so I was all psyched up to sit around for a bit when he came bounding over in flip-flops and a Hawaiian shirt. OK!! I finally knew that I wasn't in England!!! It took the best part of 5 hours to crawl through LA traffic and then drive the 200 miles or so north. By now it was around 4am UK time and I was waaaay out of it and my eyelids opened from time to time to take in the beautiful scenery and then drooped shut. We arrived at Tom's place after dark, so i felt truly disoriented.

The next nine days were sheer bless. Pure, undiluted happiness. Wonderful and so natural to be together again - it felt like we had weeks together. Tom was joking about kidnapping me, so I didn't have to leave for the East Coast - I was at times offering myself up as a willing captive! Even on the way to San Francisco (to get my flight East) I still had no sense of true belief I was really leaving. As we drove into the airport, Tom asked me what terminal we needed to drive to. I got out my itinerary and added a loud "oh shit!" as I'd asked him to drive me to the wrong airport. I'm sure something subconscious was going on there!!!

The airline (Jet Blue) were fab and let me take a flight from their airport at no extra charge, however it meant rushing like a crazy woman as we entered the airport at 10.05 and the only flight going East that night was at 10.30pm. It was like something out of a movie - Tom grabbed my hand and off we ran - he (the athlete) pulling me (the not so athletic!) off to security. It was probably the quickest romantic goodbye in history!

I'd love to write about the gorgeousness of where Tom lives and some of the stuff we did there! That will be the next blog entry!!! Then of course, I can bring you up to speed with life in the woods out East.

Am missing Tom big time and my mind is definitely still in Central California. I feel as if I should be going back in a few days time and the reality that I'm here for 3 months hasn't yet hit. i wonder whether I'll "land" here soon, or whether my yearning and wistfulness will guide me back West before my contract is over!!!

Am curious about how life will unravel!

just be

Wow! Life has surfed forward since Thursday's post. I stood in line for an hour outside the embassy (hint = come warmly bundled up). I was in long sleeves and trousers, but I could see the goosebumps on the flesh of the students around me in t-shirts and shorts. When I got inside, my hands were so cold that the scanning machine (which takes an imprint of your fingers) couldn't pick up an image for me!

Anyway, the lady said "you've been authorised" - I did an internal can-can on the spot and life since has been about ridding myself of possessions, moving possessions and going through the formalities of closing down a life. It's a project. It's a full-time job.

My flat is stripped bare of artwork and books. Those are the things that I care about most, that are my comfort toys. Now they've gone, the flat is becoming more and more of a shell and less of me. I move my imprint with me.

My brother is packing his bags tonight. I say to him I won't see you for 3 months and 2 weeks. I wish there was more time for socialising and really being "with" people. I can't be present with anyone while there is still so much chaos to be packed, stored and put in suitcases. I need to do this to close my life here.

I come home yet again to Tom's voice on the answer phone. It's the counter force that's moving me forwards. Eight days until he picks me up in LA. And that makes him all the more real. After the craziness and "doing"-ness of these past days there is a real longing to curl up quietly alongside him, wrapped in my favourite pair of arms and just be. After single-handedly moving my belongings and navigating US gvt bureaucracy, there is a deep relief in knowing that soon someone will be carrying my suitcase, protecting me and I can step into the passenger seat.

So much to still do. And walking into my place (now minus fridge and dining room table) I freeze.

Embassy Day - minus one

My flat smells of rancid swede and carrot peel from last night's soup as I type one meter away from the garbage. Tomorrow is the long awaited for appointment at the American Embassy, but instead of neatly getting my documents in order, I'm living in artsy chaos with washing up stacked in my sink and my things from the day scattered all over the apartment. I like the mess. Tidiness would speak of efficiency. I'm too excited to be organised. After over a month's anxiety, I have the appointment and I'm almost home dry. The other all important task: removing items from my place and putting them in my suitcase to wheel away tomorrow to the car boot sale. And, of course, I could be advertising goodies on e-bay and gumtree, but I'm too happy to be organised. And on the excuses go. It's good to be a little paralysed, take this leaving slowly. I'd dreamed of the perfect leaving. Everything organised. Complete closure. But leavings were never designed to be clearcut, especially this one where I'll be flying in little over a week and only one person from work knows I'm leaving and I'm yet to purchase a plane ticket, sell my worldly goods, return my flat to the shell it once was, unpeel the layers of 49 months of life, part with it in my own way. But it will happen. Life has to go forwards.